Defining Words
Words are used every day to describe ourselves, others, and the situations we’re in. In therapy, I often hear clients express their desire to become more confident, patient, or understanding—just to name a few. They’ll ask me, “How do I work on being more confident?” or “How can I become more patient?”
My first response is to ask them, “What does that word mean to you?”
It’s a deceptively simple question, but one that opens the door to clarity and progress.
When we intentionally define the words we use, we create a roadmap. Breaking down what a word means to us helps discover tangible, specific behaviors we can begin practicing.
Recently in session, my client shared that she struggles with low confidence and really wanted to work on it. She mentioned a close friend whom she admired for being confident. I asked her what made her friend appear confident.
At first, she paused and said, “I don’t know—she’s just confident.”
And that’s where many of us get stuck. These abstract traits sound nice, but we rarely stop to examine what they look like in action.
So I asked again, “What are her behaviors and attitudes that make you believe she is confident?”
She reflected and replied, “She stands up straight, walks with intent, and is very clear about what she wants. She’s firm with her decisions, makes eye contact, and smiles brightly.”
From there, we were able to define what confidence meant to her. We then took each observation and turned them into actionable steps. For example, her first week’s focus was to stand tall with her shoulders back and down anytime she was in public or around others.
Over time, we created a list of behaviors she could mindfully practice, one at a time. Each step helped her embody her personal definition of confidence, making the abstract more accessible and doable.
Definitions matter. The way you define a word might be completely different from how someone else sees it—and that’s okay. What matters is getting clear on what it means to you. Once you do that, you can begin living in alignment with the traits you want to build.
Next time you use words like confident, patient, authentic, mean, or kind—pause and ask yourself:
What have I observed that makes me describe this person that way?
What behaviors or attitudes am I associating with that word?
How would I describe this trait to a child who doesn’t know what it means?
When you define your words, you define your path.
Conclusion
The words we use to describe who we want to become are powerful—but only if we take the time to define them. When we clarify what those traits look like in action, we give ourselves the tools to grow intentionally and authentically. Change doesn’t start with a big leap—it begins with understanding what each step looks like for you.
And if you or someone you know is looking to start therapy or a new therapist to start working on defining these traits, then schedule a consultation with me through this link.